"One Kind Moment"
Upon white pages, of trees no more,
I scribble words of emptiness
Which I hope, beyond hope, will ease my core
Bringing my tiring bones their bliss.
So many times, so many ways
My soul screams searching for that peace
It hears and sees and breathes on dreary bays,
In dreamscapes, foggy, elusive release....
Escapes. "I'll calmness be, I'll loving be"
My mind insists, declares assuredly.
Then unsettling streams of panic flee.
For one kind moments' hands hold me.
A lifetime I live inside that moment
And sense that this small reprieve
Was from Heaven sent.
In that, I must, I must believe
Until my hearts' content.
Empty longing lurks within my cells.
Undefined, intangible elusive longing,
Desire for some unknown entity, that nothing quells.
Autumn winds, fresh rained air, stir the calling
Inside my soul, fresh moist air ringing bells
Of memories, not yet there, my calmness it mauling.
Painting, writing, reading, smoking, screaming
Where are the soothing memories, the ones of kind touching?
Why only recalling the ones teaming
With fear, pain, sadness, and emptiness, in my gut crunching?
Grasping hold of this and that
Knowing none will be
My saving grace, which resides only inside of me.
Resisting the knowledge as I sat
On bed's edge, refusing responsibility.
Dreams of someone, side by side
Conquering life's dilemmas together,
Keep me frozen, waiting, needing,
The woman I am with God's hands tied
Shameful that I do tether
The power, boiling and bleeding,
Awaiting It's release,
When so many others await mere seeding
Of a thought, a touch, a presence
Of God's loving, peaceful, all-acceptance.
" God's self acceptance II"
It is not a surprise that I have made yet another, deeper awareness of this, what 10 years after I wrote it? Falling onto my knees into mud and grabbing hands full and rubbing it over my heart.
And more, as I bathe in a dark pool of water formed in those large flowing rocks that embrace my body, my body dissolving into the water becoming undefined as form, my intention to heal myself and live long enough to devote the remaining time to healing the earth as I walk on it. None of which I can do unless I release ALL energetic hooks running from my body out into the world into people, animals, circumstances, past and present, repairing the leaking energy. And equally unhooking all coming into me, releasing....so that I can either die at peace or live on in peace. Remembering myself as a child, holding the mud as tears drenched me as I felt the desire to die with these : mud, water, sky and animals all around me. I now accept myself, my responsibility to heal myself with LOVE and kindness.
Morning's first light
Through pink and crimson sky
Shines upward, lighting the underside of majestic Cyprus trees
With glowing colors which deliciously delight
My eyes, as my soul does sigh
For another blessed day of Life,
Which brings me to my knees,
With gratitude for each and every strife.
I have not gone there back again
Though my body does now there reside
My unseen self remains away.
Washing dishes, feeding dogs, my material self not slain
Is watched from afar as I abide
Above that which passes day by day.
Absurdly wishing death's advance
Upon my father's crumbling dream-built life
Sadly knowing his remorse and fear at one quick glance
At the weakened frame, beaten down with strife.
I pray, "release him please"
Allow that. in freedom and love and joy, he may once again believe.
"Mom's Pain, My Pain"
False goodness resides in my mind
As only I know the real jest
Of my tumultous souls' remorse.
No one to hear confessions' bind,
Only myself without kind rest,
Witnessed solely by my eternities' Source.
I know, only now, of my mom's distress
As she lived alone with her heart's pain
At all she preceived as evil within.
Acceptance in all that others might confess
Her open, loving home for them to gain
A reprieve from the outside, and time to begin-
A healing from things no one else would have glanced.
Never, although, for herself the same kind forgiveness could she advance.
"Mama's Yearning, Daddy's Pergatory"
Into the dusty, old workshop Daddy and I did retreat
The day after Mama died,
To build bird houses for her return.
For she always said her next life she would repeat
As a bird, then she always sighed,
A longing in her eyes did forever burn.
For flight above everyday life
Was her desire, to be more than what she believed
Was her life's meager path on Earth.
Comforting words spoken to her were sharp as a knife,
Cutting her tears-never-cried, never relieved.
Never did she realize her own spiritual girth.
And now each bird house crumbling
Sits on fence posts around a house in shambles
Which surrounds my father's weakened body.
Already years have passed, my father stumbling
Without her, dying slowly he still gambles
That their souls must surely have been aligned
Even though we built the homes for one special bird
We never saw her, nor her strong voice ever again heard.
I do hope that perhaps
Upon my soul, his soul's eyes might glance.
At least for one moment's chance
That for one day we will together dance.
"Suffering Love Not"
Breathing deep and long, then shallow
The calmness enters, the timeless now
All on Earth and Heaven dissolve within me.
The dreams, the hopes and the desires fade so,
The sounds of birds and cars and drums-
Are gone, and so the thing that is "I" is Free.
And from here I no longer need thee,
Instead the earthly love transmutes
Into a finer thing than the sound of mere flutes,
Bringing a peace, releasing the hurtful hold
That your eyes and hands and mind, so bold,
Had on me.
No longer my life's energy spent on your powerful illusions,
For I need not believe in our synergy
For I now see through my own grandiose delusions.
And yet I can not say that I do not still love thee.
I can say , more truly, that this is so,
Tho all the trappings of old love gone.
I do not ask you to believe me,
It matters not whether your body will stay or go.
In one mind, one heart, forever we shall all bond.
"Humbled by Your Eyes"
One sweet, unencumbered, deliberate soul,
Behind your eyes, resides,
And oh so grateful am I
For any time I am able to drink from the bowl
You hold out so graciously, in the face of all tides.
Your heart stretches in all directions with no sigh
Of regret, or fear.
Your brave heart has risen beyond and above
Life's small domain
Into the One Heart Beating through
All nature's harshness, into Love.
Of this I stand in awe, thus to remain
Enamored, respectful, humbled for all that is you.
Your warn hands, soft yet strong
Allow your heart's true meaning to flood through
Into my weakened body, for that I long.
No grateful words give meaning
To the vastness I feel
When into your eyes I bring myself to peer.
One mind, one heart, All.
Your smile reminds me of this,
Walking not alone.
Flower fallen to Earth,
Reminding others to Fly.
Your wounded heart, by childhoods' days,
Appearing behind your grown-up eyes
Comes lashing out on harshly spoken words.
The sweet, little boy, alone lays
Curled up inside, each day dies,
As words from past voices are deferred.
I cry for you, wait for your release
Of the remorse you hold so dear
Until the day, your freedom. you can see.
To walk with you, both abandoning dis-ease,
Hand in hand, both allowing our fear
To dissolve as a sugar cube in a cup of hot tea.
I married you, a child we bore,
Who now must carry our burden
Of loving each other yet letting it go,
Long before our broken hearts tore
Free from what destruction did levy
Upon our will to a true marriage sow.
My wounded heart, by childhood's days.
Dwells in every line on my now weary face,
Softened only slightly when tears dampen
The memories, with warm, soft grace.